Today
in celebrity gossip: The former Destiny's Child member is destined to
have a child, Justin Bieber pined after Selena Gomez on Instagram again,
and J.Lo found a new dancer hunk to climb around on.
Blue Ivy Carter, the infant daughter of
Beyoncé and
Jay Z,
has a lot going for her. The composite genetic material of two of the
music industry's most talented people. Wealth, so much wealth. One,
perhaps two Power Wheels. Maybe even
more
than two Power Wheels, that would not be surprising, to be honest. The
fact is, the life of Blue Ivy is an enviable one indeed. But it is FAR
from perfect. For one thing, Blue Ivy has no siblings, which, yes, means
that there's currently no risk of a more attractive and talented sister
relegating her to the proverbial Solange role in her family. But it
also means she doesn't have a permanent entourage she can refer to as
"ma gurls" in her future song lyrics or who will appear in her future
music videos or take future selfies with her when the future clubs are
future jumpin'-jumpin'. What I'm saying is, Blue Ivy needs a posse.
Well! It appears that former Destiny's Child
Kelly Rowland
has heeded that need (or at least has moved to honor a Beyoncé-decreed
legal obligation) and has become pregnant! That's right, following her
whirlwind romance,
Skype engagement, and under-publicized wedding to a gentleman named Tim Witherspoon, Kelly Rowland has announced her pregnancy
on Instagram!
The cryptic announcement was really just a pair of baby Air Jordans
next to a regular-sized pair and the caption "I'll be stuntin like my
daddy." That's about it as far as pregnancy confirmations, though, so
please be advised this entire incident miiight just be an example of a
woman buying baby clothes for herself before getting pregnant. Would you
put that sort of thing past Kelly Rowland? Don't answer that. Let's
just assume she's pregnant. But I know what you're thinking: How exactly
could a possible boy-child become the first member of Blue Ivy's "ma
gurls"? That is for you and your outdated gender notions to work
through. Congratulations to Kelly Rowland and Blue Ivy Carter! May the
future Rowland-Witherspoon child be as fastidious at signing
non-disclosure agreements as he/she will be at carrying out Starbucks
orders.
While we're talking about the Carter family, let's get something straight about
Jay Z: He did NOT cheat on Beyoncé with a castmember from the reality show
Princesses: Long Island. According to her lawsuit filed against Bauer Media Group (publisher of
In Touch and a few other rags),
Casey Cohen
demands an apology and full retraction of the dirty, dirty lies they've
been spreading about an alleged sexual romance with Jay Z. While the
woman did indeed meet Jay Z in person while working as a restaurant
hostess in NYC (basic cable reality TV doesn't always pay very well),
she draws the line at
In Touch's
allegations that she attempted to wreck Beyoncé's home or cause Solange
to beat up Jay Z in an elevator. Casey Cohen did not do those things,
dear reader. And if anybody can be trusted to set the record straight
it's TMZ.
It's been a while since
Justin Bieber has behaved like a
relatably vulnerable, heartsick teen on Instagram,
but yesterday the world's most famous Pleasure Island background
character Instagrammed and then quickly deleted a photo of himself with
ex-girlfriend
Selena Gomez along with the caption "Our
love is unconditional." Fans immediately began to speculate whether this
meant they were back together, or perhaps Bieber was merely trying to
will this possibility into being. But it's the "unconditional" part that
gives ME pause. Does this mean Bieber was showing support for Gomez
after she'd done something really terrible? And can we somehow tie this
thing into
Miley Cyrus' possibly
retribution-laced actions toward Gomez in concert recently? And how does this all relate to the time Selena Gomez
unfollowed all of her friends on Instagram?
Guys, what is going ON with Selena Gomez? She's taking on a mysterious,
unknowable, shadowy persona lately. Has she begun dabbling in the dark
arts also? And what happens when Selena Gomez
really starts to put Justin Bieber's "unconditional" label to the test? Will any of us be safe? Everybody meet me in the panic room.
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