Thursday, June 12, 2014

Kelly Rowland Pregnant with Future Personal Assistant to Blue Ivy

Today in celebrity gossip: The former Destiny's Child member is destined to have a child, Justin Bieber pined after Selena Gomez on Instagram again, and J.Lo found a new dancer hunk to climb around on.

Blue Ivy Carter, the infant daughter of Beyoncé and Jay Z, has a lot going for her. The composite genetic material of two of the music industry's most talented people. Wealth, so much wealth. One, perhaps two Power Wheels. Maybe even more than two Power Wheels, that would not be surprising, to be honest. The fact is, the life of Blue Ivy is an enviable one indeed. But it is FAR from perfect. For one thing, Blue Ivy has no siblings, which, yes, means that there's currently no risk of a more attractive and talented sister relegating her to the proverbial Solange role in her family. But it also means she doesn't have a permanent entourage she can refer to as "ma gurls" in her future song lyrics or who will appear in her future music videos or take future selfies with her when the future clubs are future jumpin'-jumpin'. What I'm saying is, Blue Ivy needs a posse. Well! It appears that former Destiny's Child Kelly Rowland has heeded that need (or at least has moved to honor a Beyoncé-decreed legal obligation) and has become pregnant! That's right, following her whirlwind romance, Skype engagement, and under-publicized wedding to a gentleman named Tim Witherspoon, Kelly Rowland has announced her pregnancy on Instagram! The cryptic announcement was really just a pair of baby Air Jordans next to a regular-sized pair and the caption "I'll be stuntin like my daddy." That's about it as far as pregnancy confirmations, though, so please be advised this entire incident miiight just be an example of a woman buying baby clothes for herself before getting pregnant. Would you put that sort of thing past Kelly Rowland? Don't answer that. Let's just assume she's pregnant. But I know what you're thinking: How exactly could a possible boy-child become the first member of Blue Ivy's "ma gurls"? That is for you and your outdated gender notions to work through. Congratulations to Kelly Rowland and Blue Ivy Carter! May the future Rowland-Witherspoon child be as fastidious at signing non-disclosure agreements as he/she will be at carrying out Starbucks orders.
            While we're talking about the Carter family, let's get something straight about Jay Z: He did NOT cheat on Beyoncé with a castmember from the reality show Princesses: Long Island. According to her lawsuit filed against Bauer Media Group (publisher of In Touch and a few other rags), Casey Cohen demands an apology and full retraction of the dirty, dirty lies they've been spreading about an alleged sexual romance with Jay Z. While the woman did indeed meet Jay Z in person while working as a restaurant hostess in NYC (basic cable reality TV doesn't always pay very well), she draws the line at In Touch's allegations that she attempted to wreck Beyoncé's home or cause Solange to beat up Jay Z in an elevator. Casey Cohen did not do those things, dear reader. And if anybody can be trusted to set the record straight it's TMZ.
    It's been a while since Justin Bieber has behaved like a relatably vulnerable, heartsick teen on Instagram, but yesterday the world's most famous Pleasure Island background character Instagrammed and then quickly deleted a photo of himself with ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez along with the caption "Our love is unconditional." Fans immediately began to speculate whether this meant they were back together, or perhaps Bieber was merely trying to will this possibility into being. But it's the "unconditional" part that gives ME pause. Does this mean Bieber was showing support for Gomez after she'd done something really terrible? And can we somehow tie this thing into Miley Cyrus' possibly retribution-laced actions toward Gomez in concert recently? And how does this all relate to the time Selena Gomez unfollowed all of her friends on Instagram? Guys, what is going ON with Selena Gomez? She's taking on a mysterious, unknowable, shadowy persona lately. Has she begun dabbling in the dark arts also? And what happens when Selena Gomez really starts to put Justin Bieber's "unconditional" label to the test? Will any of us be safe? Everybody meet me in the panic room.